WARNING Language & Content

Three tomatoes are walking down the street, a poppa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato. The baby tomato is lagging behind the poppa and momma tomato. The poppa tomato gets mad, goes over to the momma tomato and stamps on him --
(STAMPS on the ground)
-- and says: catch up.
 
There once was a very large lady in our town. She wore a dress size 16. I knew her when she was young, but she had a much smaller size.
Why do you think she is now wearing a size 16?
I guess she just 8 + 8 (ate and ate).
 
A man wanting to borrow another man's newspaper asks, "Are you finishe(d)?"
The other man replies, "No, I'm Norwegian."
 
I was arrested at the airport. Just because I was greeting my cousin Jack!
All that I said was "Hi Jack", but very loud.
 
A woman was driving in her car on a narrow road. She was knitting at the same time, so she was driving very slowly.
A man came up from behind and he wanted to pass her. He opened the window and yelled, "Pull over! Pull over!"
 
The lady yelled back, "No, it's a sweater!"
 
Two friends meet and one of them says:"I've taught my dog how to speak English!"
"That's impossible", says the other man."Dogs don't speak!"
 
"It's true! I'll show you." He turns to his dog, "How's the situation in England?"
 
The dog answers: "Rough, rough."
 
One day an English grammar teacher was looking ill.
A student asked, "What's the matter?"
 
"Tense," answered the teacher, describing how he felt.
 
The student paused, then continued, "What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter... ?"
 
Teacher: Rumiko, be careful your purse is open. Someone might take your money!
Rumiko: Oh, no. I left it open so I can get more money.
Teacher: How can you get more money?
Rumiko: The weather report said we would have some change in our weather!
 
Boyfriend: What is your favorite music group?
Girlfriend: I love U2!
Boyfriend: I love you too, but what is your favorite music group?
 
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "So what's with the long face?"
 
One day a man went to see the Mozart's tomb.
When he got there, the tomb was open and Mozart was sitting there tearing up pieces of paper.
The men asked: "What are you doing with all of your great works of music?"
Mozart repied, "I'm decomposing!".
 
There is this man who meets a fairy. He is granted three wishes. Having wished for his most urgent needs the man uses his third wish to ask the fairy to return and give him three more wishes.
The fairy complies and says: "You can call me whenever you want."
 "How can I call you. Please tell me your name." the man says.
 "My name is Nuff," says the fairy.
 "Well", says the man "That is an odd name. I have never heard of it before."
 The fairy replies, "Surely you will have heard of Fairy Nuff." (fair enough)
 
[This one works best when spoken aloud.]
Once upon a time a mother skunk had two children named "In" and "Out". They were very active children and whenever In was in, Out was out. When Out was in, In was out.
One day when Out was in and In was out, the mother skunk said "Out, go out and find In and tell In to come in." Out went out to find In to bring In back in. Within a minute, Out came back in from going out and Out brought In right back in.
Amazed, the mother skunk said, "Out, you just went out to find In and brought In right back in! How did you do it?"
To this, Out replied "Instinct!" [In stinked]
 
What's the difference between white socks and red socks?
(Students will most likely answer the color)
Then you say, "yes, that's one difference but there's another:
The White Sox play in Chicago and the Red Sox play in Boston!
 
In London, one man to another:
A: "You know, my daughter has married an Irishman"
B: "Oh, really?"
A: "No, O'Reilly"
 
A man walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder. He walks up to the bar and asks for a pint for himself and a half pint for Tiny, his lizard.
The barman looks a little taken aback but serves him and Tiny. Finally, curiosity gets the better of him;
Barman: Why do you call him Tiny?
Man: Because he's my newt.
 It pays to be prepared to teach newt, lizard and minute afterwards, but expect a few groans as the penny drops!
 
A useful one on homophones :
Once upon a time, somewhere in Europe, a family with three sons lived on a farm. As the farm was too small to support all of them, and the parents were not yet ready to retire, the sons decided to emigrate to South America, where they bought a ranch and raised beef cattle.  
Question: So what did they call their ranch?
Answer: They called it "Focus", because that's where the sun's rays meet (sons raise meat).
 
This is the same joke as above, but an earlier submission and worded differently.
Three brothers started a cattle ranch out west. They were very successfull, but could not agree what to call their ranch. They finally agreed to wire their father back east and abide by his decision. He replied at once they should call it "focus". They did so, but now argued endlessly about why he had given them that name. They sent him another wire to ask why that name. He replied, "Simple, because focus is where the sun's rays meet (son's raise meat)."
 
A: How do you like your new job at the cemetery?
B: I quit after a week. I found the work too frustrating.
A: What happened?
B: No matter what I said to the customers, they were always dead right!
 
There were two spies escaping from the enemy over the Alps into neutral Switzerland during the war. As they began to feel safe, one spy starts to tell the other what he found out in enemy territory. The other tells him to speak quietly.
"Why?", asks his friend a little perplexed. "There's nobody around for miles. I could scream and not a soul would hear us up here.....!"
"Ah," replied the other,"haven't you heard? There are mountain ears?"
(mountaineers)
 
Lynn: Tom's always running into cars in front of him at traffic lights making dents.
Max: Is he really? A wreckless type, huh? What does he do for a living?
Lynn: He is a dent-ist.
(If the student can also speak Japanese, then continue the joke.)
 
Max: I suppose he's had to pay a lot in damages.
Lynn: No. He usually says "sorry" and gets away with it.
Max: Don't they complain?
Lynn: It may be strange, but they don't.
Max: What are they afraid of?
Lynn: They're afraid of shikaeshi from the dentist!
 
(For those of you who don't speak Japanese, "shikaeshi" means revenge or getting back at someone while "shikaishi," which sounds similar, refers to a dentist.)
 
A man is talking to God.
The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."
 
Here is a good riddle to demonstrate the battle-between-the-sexes kind of
jokes.
 
Q: Why did God create the man before he created the woman?
A1: The answer that men give: To give him the chance to enjoy Heaven on
Earth for a few moments.
A2: The answer that women give: Everyone makes a draft first!
 
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
 One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who
will be a good wife?"
 Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I
bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
 His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution,
just find a girl who's just like your mother."
 A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the
perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
 With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She
was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
 The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
 Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
 
An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day
of school.
 "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school,
I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home.
 
A: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation?
B: Yes, of course.
A: Great! I never could before!
 
Why couldn't Cinderella be a good soccer player?
 
She lost her shoe, she ran away from the ball, and her coach was a pumpkin.
 
(Requires basic knowledge of the Cinderella story and that both ball and
coach have double meanings.)
 
Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
 
Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the
ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I
think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
 
Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"
 
Teacher: How can we get some clean water?
Student: Bring the water from the river and wash it.
 
Q. What do you call a ginger bread man with one leg?
A. Limp Bizkit. (limp biscuit)
(Alternate: What do the British call a cookie that got wet?)
(If you don't know what Limp Bizkit is, see the results of a Google search
for Limp Bizkit <http://www.google.com/search?q=limp+bizkit&num=20>.)
 
A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."
The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"
 
This is a good one to follow the following previously submitted joke.
 
A: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
B: No idea. (No Eye Deer.)
 
A: What do you call a dead deer with no eyes?
B: Still no idea.
 
A: Meet my new born brother.
B: Oh, he is so handsome! What's his name?
A: I don't know. I can't understand a word he says.
 
Q: When does the (English) alphabet have only 25 letters?
A: At Christmas time, because it is the time of Noel. (No L)
 
Q: What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?
A: An envelope.
 
Q: If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become?
A: Wet.
 
Q: What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?
A: A stick.
 
Q: Where do you find giant snails?
A: On the ends of their fingers.
(Giants' nails.)
 
Q: What travels around the world and stays in a corner?
A: A stamp.
 
Q: What is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean?
A: A blackboard.
 
These need to be written.
 
Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A: A piiig.
 
Q: What goes Oh, Oh, Oh?
A: Santa Claus walking backwards.
 
Q: What do elephants have that no other animal has?
A: Baby elephants.
 
Depending on where you live, students will enjoy this one.
 
Q: What do you call a hippie's wife?
A: Mississippi.
 
Q: What did the ocean say to the beach?
A: Nothing, it just waved!
 
The First 3 Years of Marriage
  
   - In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
  
   - In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
   - In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
 
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted".
 
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
 
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
 
Q: What happens when "you" and "I" are gone?
A: Only 24 letters are left. (you=the letter "u" and I the letter "i".)
 
This is a bilingual English/Spanish joke-- especially good for a class of
native Spanish speakers. It also illustrates an important gramatical
difference between languages (genders of nouns).
 
An Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip. He hired a Spanish guide to
help him find the best fishing spots. Since the Englishman was learning
Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any
mistakes of usage. They were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large,
purple and blue fly crossed their path. The Englishmen pointed at the insect
with his fishing rod, and said, "Mira el mosca!" The guide, sensing a
teaching opportunity, replied, "No, senor, 'la mosca'... es feminina."
 
The Englishman looked at him, then back at the fly, and then said, "Good
heavens... you must have incredibly good eyesight."
 
Q: What has many keys but can't open any doors?
A: A piano.
 
Q: What has 6 eyes but can't see?
A: 3 blind mice.
Q: Who earns money driving their customers away?
A: A taxi driver.
The teacher speaking to a student said, "Saud, name two pronouns."
Saud who suddenly woke up, said, "Who, me?"
Teacher: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say "I am
beautiful," which tense is it?
Student: Obviously it is the past tense.
Q: What is orange and sounds like parrot?
A: A carrot
Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Yes, because the Empire State Building can't jump!
This is a riddle. It works well if you let the students ask yes and no
questions about the situation, before revealing the answer.
 
Q: A man goes into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The barman pulls out
a gun, and points it at the customer. "Thank you" replies the customer and
walks out. What happened?
A: The customer had hiccups.
 
I've used this in many countries in Eastern Europe. It always works - a
shock as a hiccup cure appears to be an international thing.
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No idea.(No-eye deer)
Teacher: You must never begin a sentence "I is ...".
Clever student: Please sir, what's wrong with "I is a vowel".