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The art of
farting is practiced by many, perfected by few. Perfecting the art of
farting is a somewhat long, difficult but rewarding road to travel down.
It is the symphony of foods and body function that causes this reaction
we all long to occur. This guide teaches you the methods and mind set
used by some of the worlds leading fartology organizations.
1. Your mood will play a major role in farting. Having an "I can't do
it!" frame of mind will not accomplish anything. When it comes down to
those final moments when its release or hold time, you just have to
repeat again and again, "Just let it happen... its ok..."
2. Diet is another heavy influencer. If you're a grazer (or vegetarian
as they preferred to be called) you're partly on your way. If you're
older and are using shit assistance substances such as prune juice, you
too have a good start. The real winners are your average North American
men. Statistically Sunday is prime time nation wide for fart releases.
Not only fart releases, but the cream of the crop, wake up the
neighbours farts. Why is this? Have a look at the diet of a typical
American male aged between 20 and 30 watching football on TV... Peanuts,
chips, beer, can someone say, fart city? Its about evaluating your diet,
removing the foods that don't assist farting, and focusing on the ones
that do.
3. Important, yet largely unexplored scientifically is the fart event
position and location. These two variables can make or break a fart
taking it from a stellar world class event, down to an unmentionable
discouragement. Try telling a world class pianist that they must perform
standing, or telling a tuba player he must lay down during their
performance. Farting is no different, it requires positioning that best
maximizes the bodies ability to expel gas. Location of the fart event
sets the scene and adds emotions such as amusement (elevator farts),
excitement (bus farts) and challenge (church farts). Lets travel forth
and delve into the world of position and location...
Leg Lift "Elevator" Position
Standing upright with a slight curve to the back, lift either leg
(almost like doing the jig, except with your leg off to the side - never
to the front) and allow the fart event to occur. This one is by far the
most popular. Ranked best position for elevator farts for its ability to
expel farts quickly and accurately between floors. The signature of a
leg lifter in an elevator is the smile of glee on their face as they
exit, as you unknowingly enter.
Pros: Amusement of only being able to guess how many floors the
unknowing new occupants must endure. High buildings that you will most
likely not visit again are a bonus.
Cons: After a successful execution of the fart, you leave the
elevator and the unknowing others enter, which is fine. However, you
realize you are on the wrong floor and must re-enter the same elevator.
Truly a bad call.
"Imperial" Throne Position
Just a reminder that your mind associates this position with a lack of
bodily control. This one involves sitting, squatting or bending down
into a huddled position. Some of the worlds most fermented and
catastrophic farts were achieved using this very position. Think of it
as a game of leap frog, but without the leaping (or at least
voluntarily).
Pros: Incredible leverage, captures the true potential of the
fart.
Cons: Similar to when taking a shit, which could confuse mind and
cause "dyer" consequences. This one in the car in a new suit on route to
a job interview is not recommended.
Wal-Mart Fart Position
There have been so many reports of this position and its success of
creating "brown air" that have won it accolades world wide. Shop as you
normally would at Wal-Mart. Locate a desired purchase (at least the
weight of say, a clothes detergent box) at the bottom shelf in an
unoccupied isle. As you are lifting the heavy load in a squatting
position, let the magic happen. You will be pleasantly surprised. At
first you may point out the similarities to the throne position, but you
will be in awe by what the additional weight load achieves. Weight
lifters doing squats after a heavy meal know how well weight can affect
fartage potency and volume.
Pros: Due to the narrow, almost encapsulating design of the
isles, farts can remain lingering for hours after initial production.
Many more people can enjoy their shopping due to your efforts versus the
leg lift position.
Cons: Eager and usually frantic discount shoppers change isles
with a furor only matched by 9am shoppers at a department store boxing
day blow out sale. This can result in a by standard surprise attack and
the very terrible mission abort consequence.
Power Arching
Lean your hands onto a counter top or table (or if available, hang
onto your towel rack) while arching your back. If this is difficult for
you to visualize, think back to your last visit to the car repair shop.
Similar to the "ass pounding" position you take when getting the quote
to have your car's transmission replaced. Power arching is excellent for
"customer service" counters at department stores; local Radio Shack
stores when reaching over and examining an expensive and ridiculous
keychain that has a flashlight, time telling in 12 languages, compass
and calculator all in one; a supermarket you do not usually visit.
Pros: The arching of the back allows your power conduit to be
fully utilized. Less conspicuous than the Throne Position.
Cons: A warning to people with small houses or apartments: power
arching in the small confines of a room in your house has been known to
cause carpet, wall and even ceiling damage. Even more so, lasting damage
to newly blossoming relationships with girlfriends and not so blossoming
marriages.
All positions and locations have their pros and cons, it is the duty of
an aspiring fart master to leverage the situations and environments
available to him or her. With a bit of thoughtful planning you can start
off the day with some power arching in the library; do a bit of leg
lifting at the food court for lunch; and wind up the day with an all out
assault on your senses with a satisfying throne position fart in the car
on the way home. Remember, its all about position, location and a
"can-do" attitude! |
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WARNING
Language & Content