What makes "oom" and gives milk?

A cow walking backwards.

Q: What does a man say when he walks into a bar?

A: Ouch!

Q: Where does Dracula stay when he goes to New York City?

A: The Vampire State building.

Q: What do cows like to read?

A: The mooooospaper

Q: What is the longest word?

A: Smiles, because there is a mile between the first and last s.

Re-worded by another teacher.

Q: What's the longest word in the English language?

A: Smiles. (Because there's a mile between the first and the last letter.)

A: What is the word that everybody always says wrong?

B: "Wrong".

Q: What five-letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?

A: Short

A: What's the longest word in the dictionary?

B; Rubber-band -- because it streches.

Q. How many seconds are there in one year?

A. Twelve. January second, February second, March second...

Q. What two days of the week start with the letter "T"?

A. Tuesday and Thursday? NO, today and tomorrow!

Q: What did the doughnut say to the loaf of bread?

A: If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn't be hanging around this hole.

Q: Why did the pony have a sore throat?

A: Because it was a little horse. (hoarse)

Q: What did the undertaker die of?

A: Coughin' (coffin)

Q: Why can't a nose be twelve inches?

A: Because then it would be a foot.

Q: How do porcupines kiss each other?

A: Very carefully.

Q: What has four wheels and flies?

A: A garbage truck.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To get to the other side.

Q: What has teeth but can't bite?

A: A Comb.

Q. Why did the turkey cross the road?

A. Because the chicken was on vacation.

Q. Why did the baby cross the road?

A. Because it was stapled to the chicken.

Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope?

A: To get to the other slide!

A: Why did the chewing-gum cross the road?

B: Because it was stuck to the chickens foot.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To show the possum it could be done.

Q: Why do people call their own language their mother tongue?

A: Because their fathers seldom get a chance to use it.

NOTE: For this to be funny, students need to understand that in many cultures women have the image of speaking so much that their husbands seldom have a chance to say anything.

Q: A big moron and a little moron are walking across a bridge when the big moron falls off. Why didn't the little moron fall off?

A: He was a little more on.

Q: Name one eight letter word that has kst in the middle, in the beginning, and at the end.

A: "Inkstand", "in" is at the beginning, "kst" is in the middle, and "and" is at the end.

 Q: When does a dialect become a language?

A: When its speakers get an army and a navy.

Q: What is a Honeymoon Salad?

A: Lettuce alone without any dressing.

Q: Why is it impossible to starve in the desert?

A: Because of all the sandwiches (sand which is) there.

Q: Why don't sharks eat clowns?

A: Because they taste funny.

Q: What would the pig say when its tailed was held tight by the farmer who had a sharp knife in his other hand?

A: "That's the end of me!"

Q: Do you know where people send a horse when it is sick?

A: To a horsepital.

Q: What did the doctor say when the invisible man called to make an appointment?

A: Tell him I can't see him today.

Q: Which 'BUS' could cross the ocean?

A: Columbus!

Q: What a bee says when it gets in the hive?

A: Hi Honey! I'm home!

Q: How do you catch a squirrel?

A: Climb a tree and act like a nut !

 A: Why did the boy balloon chase the girl balloon?

Q: Because he wanted to see her bust!

Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A: fsh (No letter "i", so no i's.)

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?

A: No idea. (No eye deer)

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs?

A: Still no idea.

Q: Where do cows go for entertainment?

A: They go to the mooovies!

Q: What animal is it that has four legs a tail and flies?

A: A dead horse!

A: What is the difference between a mail box and an elephant?

B: I don't know.

A: I'm not going to give you any letters to post then!

Q: What do you call 'a fly' without wings?

A: You call it 'a walk.'

I saw this on a web-site of musician jokes. It's not original, but I thought I would share it. Here it is:

Q: What's the difference between a musician and a savings bond?

A: A savings bond eventually matures and earns money.

Q: What color is a guitar string?

A: Plink!

(It is the sound the a guitar makes. The word sounds like the color "pink.")

What goes "ZUB, ZUB"?

A bee flying backwards.(Buz,Buz)

(After teaching about telling time)

Teacher: What time is it?

Students: Umm, eight fifty-nine?

Teacher: Nope.

Students: About nine o'clock?

Teacher: No.

Students: What then?

Teacher: It's time to go home.

Q: What did one light bulb say to another light bulb?

A: You are the light of my life.

Q: Why did the golfer take and extra pair of pants for his Saturday round of golf?

A: In case he got a hole in one.

 Q. Why did the golfer wear two pairs of trousers?

A. In case he got a hole in one!

Q: What flowers have two lips?

A: Tulips

Q: They travel all over the world but end up in the corner, what are they?

A: Stamps

Q: Why didn't the farmer cry when his dairy cow fell off the cliff?

A: There's no use crying over split milk.

Q: Ten copycats were sitting in a boat, and one jumped out. How many were left?

A: None. They were all copycats.

Q: What is the difference between a jeweler and a jailor?

A: A jeweler sells watches. A jailer watches cells.

Q: What is a bachelor?

A: A man who never Mrs. (misses) anyone.

Q: Why do cows have bells?

A: Because their horns don't work.

This one may be difficult for some ESL students since it requires knowing the words "seagul", "bay" and "bagel"

Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

A: Because if they flew over the bay, they would be bagels!

Q: What's the difference between a trampoline and an English textbook?

A: You take off your shoes before jumping on a trampoline.

Q: How do you get ten English teachers to agree on the best teaching method?

A: Shoot nine of them.

(Use as an example of the insult variety of jokes.)

Q: Why were the little drops of ink crying?

A: Their mother was in the pen and they did not know how long her sentence would be.

Q: How many sheep does it take to make one wool sweater?

A: I didn't even know sheep could knit!

Q: What's a teacher's favorite nation?

A: Expla-nation.

Q: What's the most colorful state of U.S.A.?

A: Color-ado.

Q: In what state does it cost the most to live in?

A: Expennsylvania.

Q: What did the cannibal who was late for dinner get?

A: The cold shoulder.

A Christmas time joke for grammar classes:

Q: What do you call Santa's helpers?

A: Subordinate Clauses.

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?

A: Why bother, he won't come anyway.

Q: How do you top a car?

A: Tep on the brake, tupid!

Q: Is there a word in the English language that uses all the vowels including "y" ?

A: Unquestionablely!

Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter?

A: Because it's too far to walk.

Vocabulary Quiz:

Q: What is the longest word in the English language?

A: Smiles. (There is a mile between the first letter and the last letter.)

Information Quiz:

Q: What is the tallest building in our town?

A: The library. (It has the most stories.)

Q: If you are Russian before you enter the bathroom and Finnish after you leave the bathroom, what are you when you are in the bathroom?

A: European.  (You're a-peein'.)

This riddle may be good for high-level science majors.

Q: What do you call a test tube that graduates from high school?

A: A graduated cylinder

Here is a good riddle to demonstrate the battle-between-the-sexes kind of jokes.

 Q: Why did God create the man before he created the woman?

A1: The answer that men give: To give him the chance to enjoy Heaven on Earth for a few moments.

A2: The answer that women give: Everyone makes a draft first!

Q: How did Jonah feel after he got swallowed by a fish?

A: Down in the mouth.

Q: What did the monk say to the hotdog vendor?

A: Make me one with everything.

Maybe only appropriate for more mature students.

Q: What did the fish say when he hit the wall?

A: Dam!

Q: A man was locked in a room with only a bed, a calendar, and a piano. How did he drink, how did he eat, and how did he get out? Another man was locked in a room with only a mirror and a table. How did he get out? A third man was locked in an empty room. How did he escape?

A: The first man drank from the springs of the bed, ate the dates off the calendar and played the piano until he found the right key, which he used to unlock the door. The second man looked in the mirror to see what he saw. Then he took the saw and cut the table in half. Next, he put the two halves together to make a whole. Finally, he crawled out through the hole. The third man broke out with the measles.

Q. What's brown and sticky?

A. A stick!

Teacher: How can we get some clean water?

Student: Bring the water from the river and wash it.